here i'm allowed everything all the time

i feel really weird
i don't quite know how to explain it
i don't think it's meant to be explained
it is radiohead that does this to me or is it a particular state i'm in that makes me want to listen to radiohead
i don't know
i don't know a lot of things right now

i texted a friend a few days ago
i said
idk why but im in a super spacey mood right now... sleepy and very chill, songs playing in my head. but very inspired and powerful.
accurrate imo.

it's not a good feeling though
i think
it correlates with irritability and mood swings
and apparently a habit of buying things
a lot of things

and i feel like crying
i don't know why

crying and inspired

completely true

If you want to live your life in a creative way, as an artist, you have to not look back too much. You have to be willing to take whatever you’ve done and whoever you were and throw them away. What are we, anyway? Most of what we think we are is just a collection of likes and dislikes, habits, patterns. At the core of what we are is our values, and what decisions and actions we make reflect those values. That is why it’s hard doing interviews and being visible: As you are growing and changing, the more the outside world tries to reinforce an image of you that it thinks you are, the harder it is to continue to be an artist, which is why a lot of times, artists have to go, “Bye. I have to go. I’m going crazy and I’m getting out of here.” And they go and hibernate somewhere. Maybe later they re-emerge a little differently.

Steve Jobs, Playboy 1985

feliz navidad

やり損←

となるのか
we will see

simple girls

i ought to do things make art create sick ass things photograph sunlight and beautiful profiles commit to my own art blog photoscape fim practice colors

why do i only feel this way at 3:42am

so you see, i said there's something about being tired and delusional with your brain crashing

how come i never feel this way when i have more energy

not that i ever have particularly any

but still i am inspired by people like stephany alves and adara and erika altosaar and all their painfully beautiful works

and still excite over music like passion pit and radiohead and tycho...

today was a good day...

saw good friends...

truly good friends...

i wish they went to school closer to me

i have some pocket money now, trying to decide whether to buy nail polish online or not...i'm so stingy i've calculated shippings costs and how many polishes i need to buy for it to be worth buying online rather than retail

my brain is crashing but i will keep typing until even my fingers get too tired...

i want to take pictures

film and all but i don't know why but it's hard for me to get into it

it appeals to me so, i have all the equipment but i'm never super into it... odd...

i just need a photo buddy i think, yep that's the cure

and i want to make art

so badly

but do i have any talent

that is the question

i don't know i guess i'll just find out

damn son

damn............

i don't really like today

i'm not in a very good mood right now
here's my rant that i can't dump on anyone

i hate that i'm sick and that my nose is stuffy and runny at the same time
i hate that i'm sleepy
i hate that my jaw is still sore and i can't eat real food
i hate that i don't have my own room to shut myself into and have the slightest bit of privacy
i hate that when i do something nice it backfires on me
i hate that i still have to take care of the most whiny, demanding two year old who is also sick
i hate that my mom went to eat out with her friends for me to take care of moody ren
i hate that ren screams and cries and is impatient with everything
i hate that ren never listens to anyone
i hate that ren can't play by himself and i always have to be with him
i hate that i have to ask my mom sweetly if i can hang out with my friends for a bit
i hate that my mom gets mad at me for my occasional hanging out with my friends anyway
i hate looking at facebook pictures of my friends being happy with their family/friends and thinking do they really deserve that
i hate that my feet are cold right now
i hate that i don't have insurance and can't drive
i hate that i don't have any time for myself
i hate that i don't know how to make myself feel better
i hate that it's only about the 5th day home and i already feel like i can't make it
i hate that home is not a respite for me
i hate that i can't cry right now
i hate that he won't do anything
i hate that she and he can't get along
i hate that she is sad
i hate that HE's so far away


i hate that my mind is going
i hate home
i hate this place where i have to be on my toes 24/7
i need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay
promise me everything will me okay
i hate that i don't have anyone to depend on to do that for me

do you still?

haha
yes.

but perhaps I glorify it and I want to believe in something I know might not be true.

buttercup

random girls asking for hair bands